MellohD

i lied writing these blogs do help and rereading them and writing and reading.  they help me sort out stuff like a table and a bunch of mnms of various colors that i leave and come back to when im frustrated and remember my method of sorting.  sometimes things just suck.  they are going to suck.  they are going to continue to suck and thats it.  but sometimes things dont suck as much and someitmes they dont suck at all and you just need to make a really long incomprehensible blog entry about it go back to the minecraft mod pack youre grinding on before you ahve to go to bed and go to work the next day and stop thinking.  maybe i'll figure something out maybe i won't in all likeliness ill probably never get the exact outcome i want regain my passion for hobbies and dreams lost and im not gonna end this on  a " but maybe i will and its about the friends we made along the way" because i dont know  and i don't think it's likely but thinking about it right now versus brain rotting in minecraft.... i think the more appealing option is making itself clear even though attempting anything feels like scalping myself.  hopefully tomorrow when i go to work and suddenly gain the mindset that im capable of changing my life and that its all simple really i'll find something to answer my questions to until i need another answer

Hey!  Its been a few months. I can't believe its 2025 already.  all my old web stuff is still themed like marble hornets ha ha.  I love getting fixated on stuff but the months after, where i'm no longer as hyped and awestruck by the same media always feels bittersweet or depressing.

When i get into something, it defines me for the next weeks, sometimes months.  What i talk about, what i think about, what I do who i am (what i dream about too sometimes!) all dictated by whatever media thats got stuck in my head.  Its a thrilling experience, being so obsessed with a topic that even a comment about something completely different gets you excited because look! that happened there!  It becomes apart of me in away, carves a little hole in the ever dwindling space of my mind and hunkers down with the hundreds of other media ive cultivated a love for; be new wrinkles in my noggin to help put together my brain.  All that to say everything ive obsessed over, spent chunks of my time mulling over, committing my energy to all feel like they form a part of me.  And once the obsession starts dying, or dies, its disheartening!  it feels like im abandoning apart of myself.  This thing that ive molded myself around like throwing wet toilet paper to a wall is sliding down the bathroom tiles into the bathtub and my mom is yelling at me to get out of the bathroom and i have to leave but i want to do it again!

Sometimes I just wish i could make it last forever, feel giddy all the time at just the prospect of it all but it never lasts and eventually i have to say goodbye to the person that i wholeheartedly was and leave to become the person that i will wholeheartedly be.  However, I never completely let it go.  Or more accurately, it never lets ME go.  Like i said earlier, each and every obsession i've ever had has placed its block inside my head, and block by block it forms who i am.  The me that was obsessed with marble hornets left little operator symbols everywhere, left me with a passion of 2000's shitty camcorder graphics, is obsessed with the woods and flashlights, interest in 2000s internet horror series.  The me that got obsessed with half life, and subsequent valve titles, left me with an all time obsession over game design(though admitadly i was already obsessed with everything to do with game design, just more so after half life), a constant admiration of valve and its accomplishments, constant little quotes in my head that involuntarily pop up at the most random times.  Theres a lot more i could list, but frankly ijust dont feel like it lolll 

All that to say that i just miss some of my old interests, the way i felt engaging with the stuff and so on.  Like the old web for example, wish i could just get my brain to stick to it instead of coming back every few months ha ha.  It just never feels the same coming back to something though.  I guess that makes sense.  Im a different person from when i first got into something, so naturally it wouldn't be the same now, but sometimes i wish it was.  But i mean, I guess its good to experience new things, or just to experience the same things in a different way.  Things can't last forever but you can cherish the way it did last, keep it in your little pocket box and carry it with you as you add new things to it.  Thinking about it now you can really apply that to a lot of things, not just your old obsessions  ha ha.

Anyways, this isn't even what i meant to write about but the feeling of bitter nostalgia came up looking at all my old marble hornets themed stuff.  I was gonna just give an update on whats been going on in my life and what ive been into lately (arcane and DBH!!!!!)  It doesn't really matter though i guess, writing these journals always kind of feel like screaming into the void.  Maybe that's the point of old web stuff like this?  Screaming into the void.  Its quite cathartic, reminds me of how i'd write my diary entries in sophmore year.  It's still a bit weird to me though, i was born in 2007 and grew up on youtube so all i've ever known how to interact with the internet is to post something and try to gain a following from it.  Seriously!  I've never interacted with the internet and NOT tried to post something with the intention of getting a few likes, comments, or even followers.  I guess that's what makes interacting with more niche websites or old web stuff more interesting, its more personal and less, "whats going to get me the most engagement?"  On here its more like, "How can i meet the most people?"  or "How can i find the coolest site?" and all that good stuff.  Its refreshing.  I wish it was more popular honestly, the old-web culture.  I never really got to experience the oldweb in its prime, only its echo, I think itd be cool to see how much more alive itd look if it were as big as like, tik tok, or twitter. 

Well im getting tired so thats it for now,  im probably gonna update my site soon here, maybe make it more connected to my blogs?  I dunno. toodles!