life update

[mellohd]

 today kinda sucked.  my brother is in the USA military and is a MP and he's going on deployment for about a year and today we had to drop him off.  

We had to drive three hours there then wait four hours for him to do some semantics at a meeting to go get dinner then drop him off at his hotel.  It was strange driving off knowing he's RIGHT there at the hotel but I'm still not going to see him until I'm only a few months away from 18.  I'm pretty damn close with my brother, I'd say he's my best friend so this really sucks.

In my brain, I don't worry about the process from A to B, I just know that I'm gonna be at point B, so whats the point in crying when I'm going to see him again?  yet my throat still tightened in the car ride knowing that that was the last hug I gave him before we left, last meal we shared etc.  My body wanted to cry but to be honest I didn't really get why, or maybe I just didn't understand why it bothered.  There's something you can read there about how emotioanally constipated I am but I just wanted to talk about this a bit so sue me, or not.  sueing would be NOT preferable

as for how the rest of my life has been going these past few months. bleh.  I started online school in August and to be honest i've been struggling getting my assignments done.  Sometimes its just hard to focus, and other times it feels all to easy to put everything off but I moved my work station to a room where I ONLY work at so I don't go oooohh lets fuck off on my phone for another 8 hours instead of doing this ASSignment that's going to take me ten minutes tops this is the totally logical and obvious thing to do! FUCK YOU PAST ME! I'm two months behind on my SAT prep class and my once glorious 3.4 or wtv gpa is in the shitter, flushed, and swimming with the chemicals of the sewers.

I don't know why I keep giving myself so many challenges, oh, take this computer science course AND digital media course on top of mandated English math and makeup classes because you were too depressed to do any hw for four months last semester? of course!!! WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF UGH this is the exact reason I can't even think about my last months in sophomore year without getting the thousand yard stare

Reguardless, I'm shaping myself up.  or at least trying to.  I'm also trying to make an effort to be less of a loser and actually get some exercise, my brother setup a mini home gym for me and a bunch of resources on exercises I can do and a schedule etc.  so basically I've been working out. heh clap it up, I know you're all so proud I SAID CLAP IT Worst part though is that after every workout I feel sick to my stomach and feel like I'm about to hurl. yea, I know ok OK WHATEVER maybe my constitution is ass but my deterimination to try this for at least a month is a little LESS ass so.

Ive also started watching DEXTER! and oh my god. I love it so much.  I'm going to stop at season five cause I don't want to see the weird incest plotline(yes your heard that what is up with 2000s show and incest)  I also hear its pretty much shit after five/four anyways SOO  I'll make a separate post(and probably webpage too lets be real) about dexter words allude how much I love to gnaw on this show I kid you not I was rolling on the floor(it hurt!)

that's about all I can think of to say, toodles!